Kill Shot & Panic Attacks
by JMolover
Summary: Kill Shot AU fic. What if Castle had gone after Beckett? multi-chapter. Starting of dark, will get lighter!
1. Chapter 1

**Pre-Caskett. This is a Kill Shot fanfic. Going Alternate Universe during the ep. What if Castle had followed her after she ran away?**

 **I know this has been done, but I wanted to have my own shot at it.**

 **It starts up pretty dark and angsty, but will get lighter as the story continues. Who doesn't love a little angst, know there will be fluff and happiness in the future? :)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

'Kate!'

She ran faster putting her hands on her ears, as if blocking out the sound of Castle calling out for her would actually fade away the fact he was there.

She ran, opening the first door she saw, trying to lose all the prying eyes. And Castle. Please, let him not follow. She prayed silently, while tears were streaming down her eyes.

She inhaled violently, recognizing it as the beginnings of a panic attack, which only made it worse. She threw down her jacket, badge and gun, while trying to get her breathing under control.

Losing her balance, she slid down the wall, gasping for breath.

'Kate, Kate please open the door!'

She screwed her eyes closed, trying not to listen to Castle calling out for her. Nothing had ever felt so hard, nothing had ever felt like this, like something was trying to rip her apart. Her limbs, her wall, her heart. Everything was one big mess.

'Please Castle,' she gasped, to soft for him to hear, 'please stop, please go away, please stop'.

She was shaking her head, her body still wracking violently with tears and fear. She heard gun shots and voices and saw flashes of grass. 'Kate, I love you, I love you Kate'.

No. That wasn't real. That wasn't happening.

She backed further against the wall. Not knowing what was real and what wasn't anymore.

Calm down. Calm down, Kate.

She pressed her nose between her knees, shivering violently, suddenly feeling cold. Her ears were full of noise and her head was spinning. Her hair and face wear sticky with tears and sweat.

'Kate!'

She felt someone grabbing her arm and she screamed, hitting the person assaulting her square in the chest.

'Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone' It was like a mantra running through her head. She couldn't be sure if she was the one saying the words, or if it was a voice in her head.

'Kate'

This time she heard it loud and clear, immediately aware of the very familiar voice.

She curled away deeper between her knees, hoping she would eventually dissolve into thin air.

No such luck.

Hours, or minutes, later, her head began to clear. The fog at the front of her forhead slowly clearing up, the tingling in the palm of her hand intensifying.

What had happened?

Still pressed between her knees and her eyes screwed shut, she slowing relaxed her right hand, only realizing now that it was still bald into a fist.

Hissing at the piercing pain coursing through her hand and arm, she slowly came up. Blinking her eyes against the bright light after having been shut for so long.

Her mind went blissfully blank, staring at the wall front of her. She had no idea where she was, or how she had come her, but she felt save. Untouchable.

'Kate?'

Her throat closed up and she jerked her heard with a snap to her right. Her eyes went comically wide.

'W-what?' her voice was hoarse and barely recognizable.

She blinked twice before her vision was able to focus on the person sitting all too close next to her.

Castle.

She unconsciously pressed herself further into the wall to put some space between them. His eyes flickered with a small hint of hurt, but immediately filled themselves with concern.

Kate felt her airways tighten, barely getting any breath. Castle feeling hurt was bad, Castle being as openly concerned as this?

Nothing could be worse and more overwhelming.

 **T.B.C.**

 **Please let me know what you think by reviewing. It will make me update faster, I promise! ;)**

 **Follow and Favorite away as you like as well!**

 **Thanks x E**


	2. Chapter 2

**Second chapter.**

 **Not the longest, sorry.**

 **I forgot to tell you in the first chapter that English is not my first language, so please let me know if you find any mistakes, I know how annoying they can be!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

'Castle.'

Her voice sounded hoarse, felt like a thousand knives in her throat through her body. Her eyes stung and her breathing was harsh, as if she had just run a marathon.

'Hi.'

He smiled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. His blue eyes that were so big, and so deep. Confusion was written all over his face.

'I -I am so sorry.'

She didn't know what else to say. What could she say? What just even happened? Thinking about it made her head spin and her blood rush in her ears. She could feel her eye balls rolling upwards.

'Wowow, Kate, stay with me!'

'Hmm?'

She looked at him with hazy eyes. It was really hard to focus. Maybe not focus on his eyes, way too intense.

Kate's eyes glided over his body, until they fell on his hand. They were holding hands, her hand. At least they were connected to her arms, so she guessed they were her hands. She moved her thumb, watching as it stroked over is palm. She was doing this, but she couldn't feel it.

Her fingers followed the deep lifelines on his palm, all the way to the end. She loved his hand, this beautiful big, worn writer hands. Wait, what?

'Kate, sweetie.'

This time it was a soft whisper, it sounded unsure.

'I am so sorry.'

'Why?'

'I -I don't know, for dumping this problem on you, for breaking down, for making you deal with me, with my issues, for -for-'

'Kate!

The words she had spoken had climbed up her chest and throat, now at the top of her airways, making her choke on nothing but emotion.

'Yeah..'

Her breath shuddered while she exhaled deeply. Suddenly it was all really clear to her. This picture of her and Castle sitting here after she had just had a breakdown slash panic attack looked absurd to her, disturbing, so NOT her.

She grabbed her gun and badge, pulled on her jacket and stood on wobbly legs.

With her back facing Castle, she closed her eyes for a millisecond to collect herself and turned around without looking at him.

'You coming Castle?'

'Wait, what? Kate! Beckett!'

Kate turned around on her heels, her face a scary mix of playful and thunder.

'What Castle?'

'Kate, we need to ta..'

'We need to find this man Castle, before he murders again.'

Beckett spun back around with a newfound energy. She was going to find this man, she was also not going to talk to Castle about what just happened. Absolutely not going to talk about it. No way.

'I agree, but we also… right, you are gone…'

T.B.C.

 **Sweet (rightttt) little chapter. So they have got a lot to talk about in the next few chapters haha. Kate is such a little fighter, she knows how to pile her problems.**

 **Please review, favorite and follow and hope to see again for the next chapter!**

 **Thanks x E**


	3. Chapter 3

**Third chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

The case was closed. Finally. Well, they closed it yesterday, but the paperwork had been harder on her than she thought. Having to relive the whole case; not really what she would have liked.

Kate exhaled a slow and long breath, this is it. It should feel like a weight should have been lifted from her shoulders. It did, in fact, but not as much as she had hoped.

Lee had been found, but her shooter, the one that left the ugly scar in between breasts she so eagerly tried to hide. The one that made her no different to Lee. The one that made her hate mirrors and fancy lingerie.

'You did it, Kate.'

She turned around to the man who was always there for her, two cups of coffee in his hands. His eyes full of warmth, pride and something she was not willing to address.

'I thought I was the one who owed you a hundred coffees.'

'Oh, you still do, just take this as an apology for what I am going to ask next.'

Kate slowly put all the papers on a neat pile on the corner of her desk.

'Why would you need to apologize for asking me something?'

She smiled, but the muscles in around her mouth cramped up in a nervous twitch.

'Just, we need to talk…'

'Do we? I mean, the case is closed. Sure, I kind of let it get to me and then we had the little breakdown fiasco, but it's all over now.'

This time her muscles worked the way they were supposed to, but Castle wasn't looking at her mouth, he was looking her in the eyes, and oh boy, they told him a whole different story.

'This case was just a trigger Kate, I know it isn't over. I know it plagues you day and night, and I know that you are scared. You CAN be scared you know, you are allowed to.'

'I, Castle, this is really hard for me.'

'I know, but keeping it inside you is not gonna work, nor should it have to. You have so many people who care about you and want the best for you. You don't have to talk to me, I just wish you would confide in someone, you know? That I know you are not alone, that you are not doing this al by yourself.'

Oh this man.

Kate inhaled deeply trying to blink away the mist in her eyes, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed.

'I am seeing someone, Castle.'

She looked at a non-existing point on the floor, trying to keep her tone casual. She cringed when she heard Castle's coffee cup shatter on the floor, next to her non-existing point. Wow, so much for casual.

'I, I mean, what?'

Then she realized what she had just said and how it must have sounded. She looked up, seeing absolute horror in Castle's eyes. Despite never having intended to hurt him like this, she did feel a kind of victory starting in the pit of her stomach. Oh god.

'Castle'

Het lips turned up in a genuine smile, twinkling eyes.

Castle's expression changed to on of utter confusion and deep betrayal.

'I don't understand, you, you have a boyfriend?'

For one millisecond she thought of leaving it there. If she had a boyfriend, Castle would move on and find someone worthy of him. Someone whole, without scars and no snipers. He would be so deserving of that. Would she, should she?

No, she was too selfish to do something stupid like that.

'I, I'm seeing a shrink Castle, for my ten thousand issues.'

'I…'

He let her soft admission dawn on him, I was quite for a few very long seconds.

'So you don't have a boyfriend?'

'What, you think I should?

"No! I mean yes, what?! Beckett!'

She laughed out loud now, glad she had him distracted of all the dark things looming above their heads.

'It's okay Castle, I know what you meant.'

She smiled softly at him, knowing her eyes showed way too much.

'The swings, right?'

'The swings.'

 **T.B.C.**

 **No one is as good at dodging heavy questions as Kate Beckett.**

 **Please review, favorite and follow and hope to see again for the next chapter!**

 **Thanks x E**


	4. Chapter 4

**Fourth chapter.**

 **I will try updating once a day or every other day, how does that sound? I do have other responsibilities tough, so bare with me if it doesn't work out!**

 **As I said before, English is not my first language. I forgot to mention that English is British, but since Castle is American, I'll do my very best to make it American.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

'Does it help?'

Castle comes in earlier than usual the next morning. Coffee and bear claw in one hand, phone in the other.

'Does what help?'

Kate juggles around with the paper cup and the bear claw, not knowing where to start. Coffee. The hot liquid burns down her throat and she closes her eyes for a second, smile lingering on her face.

'Talking to your shrink, does it help?'

'Hmm?'

Coming back from her daydreaming, Kate blinks twice, looking up at Castle.

'Oh, yeah, I guess?'

'You guess?!'

'No, no, I mean, I know. It's just not an easy road, you know.'

'A lot of obstacles?'

'More than I know what to do with, but I am working through them. One by one.'

'What do you talk about?'

'Castle..'

It sounds like a weak protest. Kate shakes her head, oh god, she was so not prepared for this.

'I just wanna help.'

'You already are helping me Castle, just keep doing what you always do, just, just don't push okay?'

Castle frowns. She can see he is not satisfied with her answer, but she doesn't feel comfortable telling him about her session. About how at least 50% of them are spend on talking about Castle, about how many times she cries during every session, some sessions more than others.

'I don't know Kate.'

'Well, just, just don't okay? Is it really that hard to just leave me be?!'

She didn't mean to lash out to him, but alarms were going off in her head. She felt constricted, like she couldn't run. Like he would force her to be vulnerable with him.

'I can't, someone should be there for you, someone should help you!'

'I am getting help Castle, I just told you. Please drop it!'

She was hissing, her eyes going around the bullpen trying to make sure they weren't getting any attention.

'Really, Kate? Because you need someone. Someone to talk to, someone who can comfort you, someone to give you a hug!'

'You think a hug is gonna solve my problems? You think it is that easy, Rick? And I am right when I say that you would be the one hugging me?! Is that your little fantasy? Having Kate Beckett on her knees and depending on you, is that it? Does that turn you on?'

She was royally pissed off. Seriously, who did he think he was? Some almighty god who could fix all her problems with some physical contact?

His eyes went big, his gasped for breath, as if he was going to say something. Then his shoulders slumped down and his eyes drooped, he looked defeated.

''Whatever Kate, if you don't want me here, just say it!'

He didn't even wait for her to say anything, swiftly turning around and leaving the bullpen.

Kate followed him with her eyes, the shock apparent in them.

He didn't even wait for the lift to come up, turning to the stairs instead. He couldn't get away from her fast enough. God Kate, what did you get yourself into?

She rubbed the palms of her hands over her eyes, dropping her elbows on her desk.

Was she really that stubborn and ungrateful? She didn't mean to be, Castle could just be so overwhelming, so everything. She wish she could just hugging, sure that if there was a hug in the would that could make all her problems dissolve into thin air, it would be Castle's.

'What are you doing to me Richard Castle?'

'You okay Beckett?'

She looked up to find her boys looking at her, matching genuine concern written all over their faces.

'Yeah, I think so, thanks'

She smiles, these guys would forever protect her. She loved them. Really, really loved them.

'Castle okay?'

'I uhm, I think I might have said something stupid.'

'Hmmm.'

'What Espo?'

'He say something stupid too?'

'He meant well.'

'I'm sure he did'

'Really guys, it's sweet that you would get all protective over me, but I can handle myself, I'm a big girl.'

'You don't always have to do everything by yourself Kate.'

Ryan looked down on her in pity. If there was one thing she hated it was being pitied.

'Really guys? Is this the theme of the day? How to make Kate uncomfortable by telling her how she should share her issues with the world?!'

'Is that what you and Castle were fighting about?'

'It doesn't matter Espo, I'll deal with it.'

'He cares about you Kate, like a lot. Don't run away from him.'

Her eyes got misty, she cursed herself inwardly, she wasn't going to go all emotional in front of her guys, was she?

'I know guys, thanks, I'm trying, really.'

She scraped her throat, trying to swallow the bulk of emotions just sitting there, waiting to come out. Her voice cracked slightly, tears poling in her eyes.

'Okay Beckett, if you say so.'

Kevin awkwardly slapped her back, his hand lingering for a few seconds, before he turned around and walked away.

'You can do it Kate.'

Espo looked her in the eyes, before looking around the bullpen, taking a quick step closer. Kate watched him in confusion, not sure what he was going to do. Then she felt his hand on the back of her head, and a kiss being pressed on her hair.

'You are the strongest person I know Kate, don't let this get you down, I know how much you love him.'

Kate's jaw dropped on the floor as she watched him when he walked away, the tear that was lingering in her eyes, making it's way down her cheek. Oh no, he didn't?!

Then she shook her head, hiding a shy smile behind her brown locks, because yeah, she did love him, didn't she?

 **T.B.C.**

 **I am so sorry. I love writing angst, just getting into it too much. Believe me though, these two belong together, always.**

 **I also love it when Espo and Ryan get protective over their girl, I love the chemistry in this little trio!**

 **Please let me know what you think by reviewing. It will make me update faster, I promise! ;)**

 **Follow and Favorite away as you like as well!**

 **Thanks x E**


	5. Chapter 5

**Fifth chapter**

 **So on the way to lightness. There were a few people that let me know (some very rudely) that the angst was taking too long.**

 **I am sorry, but since this story is marked as angst, you can expect some angst. No deep and meaningful relationship could only exist in light moments. This is about the journey of Castle and Beckett finding their way together in love. Simply because they realize life is easier if you share the hard moments with the people you care about most. I am sorry if the way I write it offends, but there are many other stories on here to read.**

 **Thanks to all who supported me in a positive way (I love positive criticism), you guys made my day(s)!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

Kate had been pacing up and down the hallway for at least 10 minutes. The two coffees in her hand surely must have cooled off by now. Why did she always get herself in these seemingly impossible situations?

She cramped and stretched her fingers a few times, as if readying them for the knocking that was supposed to come.

Just as she was about to knock, the door whirled open and a flash of red and everything colorful came into her vision.

'Katherine!'

'Martha?' Kate sounded as if she was surprised to see Martha.

'Yes darling, I do live here too, you know?'

Kate could only nod, not sure where to go from here. This was so not the plan.

'I'm assuming you're here for Richard? He has been moping around all afternoon and night, I have no idea what's going on with him.'

'I- yeah, I'm here to talk to him, is that okay?'

'He's in his office, will you be able to find your way?'

'Yes Martha, thank you.'

Although Martha was the opposite of her mother in so many ways, she sometimes made her yearn for her own mother. She smiled and waved at Martha, who was already halfway to the lift.

'Bye dear, please do make sure you get some positiveness into my son before I return tomorrow.'

Kate was glad Martha didn't wait for a response. She wasn't sure what she should have said. It was her fault really, that Castle was acting this way.

The loft was quite, now that Martha was gone. Kate softly walked up to Castle's office, looking around, but finding nothing. Not sure if she was allowed to, but also not wanting to give up, she entered Castle's bedroom.

There, on the spacious bed, rolled up in a ball, was Castle. The sight of him made her breath stutter, feeling all sorts of emotions dawning on her. Oh, Castle.

He looked so small and vulnerable, his face in a deep frown, his fingers curled around something that was out of side for Kate, holding onto it for dear life. When she walked around to the other side, she could see that he was actually asleep. He must have fallen asleep from exhaustion, with his clothes still on and dark circles under his eyes.

Kate did what she would have never done, had Castle been awake. She sat down gentle on the edge of the bed, softly looking down on him. His hair was messy and stood up to all sides, it made him look young. It took Kate about a second and a half before she gave into her cravings and softly stroked her hand through his hair, his soft, thick, beautiful hair.

It wasn't until a minute later, when she took a closer look at what she had neglected before, that she saw what he was holding in his hand. It seemed to be a letter of sorts, but since it was folded in half, she couldn't be sure.

'Castle?'

'Hmm?'

She smiled sadly at his state of half-sleep, knowing this was going to change in three, two, one…

'Kate?! What the hell?'

She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that would somehow help.

'I'm sorry Castle, your mother let me in, and I found you here.'

'You could have knocked.'

Castle had turned around to his other side, his back now facing her, making sure to let her know she wasn't welcome.

'I have to apologize Castle.'

'You think?!'

Besides angry, he also sounded hurt, like he couldn't believe she would do something like that to him.

'You were only trying to help, and I pushed you away.'

'That's okay Kate, that's who you are, you never let anyone in.'

Ouch. That was so not okay.

'I want to though, I want to let you in Castle, I just don't know how. I- you deserve to know that I am working on this. Therapy is hard for me, but I am getting better and stronger. I am working on letting you in, on coming to terms with us.'

'Us?'

'I thought we established there was something.'

'We didn't Kate.'

Kate was silent. They hadn't talked about it with so many words, but…

'I am scared to talk to you Kate, I am scared that you will run at everything I say.'

'I, I am trying.'

'I am not sure that is enough.'

Kate's eyes went big and full of panic. Tears are threatening to spill over the edge.

'I, try, please, I'll listen, I'll do anything, just don't walk away, please.'

Castle laughed hollowly and turned towards Kate.

'Do you remember the shooting Kate? Because you said you didn't, but sometimes I'm not sure. Do you? Are you just trying to lead me on? Why not let me go now?'

'Let you go? Why would I want to let you go?'

Panic was rising higher and higher, this was not how she had planned it, she couldn't deal with the shooting right now, there was so much to be cleaned up already.

'Because…'

Oh god, he was crying.

'Because I love you Kate, and if you don't feel anything for me, would you please, please let me go?'

'Oh Rick!' she shook her head, taking his face in between her hands, cradling it against her chest. Rocking and soothing him as you would a child, while the tears streamed down her face.

'I feel, I feel so much Castle. I feel lighter when you are near, I miss you when you are not there, my heart races when you look me in the eyes. But when you're angry with me? It makes my heart shatter in a thousand pieces, it makes my body physically ache for you. I want to shatter the thousand pieces of my heart into a thousand more, because I did this to you Castle, I made you feel like this. I didn't want to ever hurt you. I just wanted to protect you. And me I guess. God I can be so selfish!'

Kate's body was shaking with tears, which made it hard for her to speak, she wasn't even sure what she said made sense.

Castle lifted himself up from her arms, wiping away his tears. Kate's hands fell from his hair to his shoulders, down to his own hands. He was looking anywhere but at her face.

Her legs, clad in faux leather leggings. He didn't believe he had ever seen her in those.

Her hands, the ones that had just held his face safely against her chest.

The fingers that had been carding through is hair, calming him down slowly. The same fingers that were now caressing his own.

'Kate, you feel like toxic to me. You are always on my mind. I wish that could be a good thing, but it feels more like a curse. I want to protect you from all that is bad, I want to shield you from getting hurt. Believe, I know you are damaged, I know you aren't perfect. I want to help you carry your pain, I want you the way you are, I want to help you with making your life brighter Kate, but you won't let me.'

Kate took a few deep breaths, thinking about what Castle had just said.

'I've had a hard life Castle. I have been let down a few too many times, I have been seriously hurt, broken. I have gotten used to being walked away from or doing the walking away. I don't know when I realized that you were different, but when I did, I saw it as overwhelming, as drowning. I guess that even though it gives me the best feelings in the world, I don't know what to do with your love. Does that make sense?'

Castle smiled a watery smile, gripping her fingers between his own.

'Kate, do you trust me? Do you trust that I will make your life brighter and not walk away?'

'Is it really that easy?'

'It takes work Kate, a lot of work.'

'I think I want to tell you about the summer Castle, there were so many things I had to do that seemed impossible to do without you. Maybe it will help to share.'

'I want to know Kate, I want to be there for you. We can take it slow, we need to talk, but I need to know you're in this. That the end is you and me.'

'I - don't know what to say Rick, thank you so much for being here. You are my one, Castle, my one and done, always.'

Kate was crying ugly tears. Pain and relieve coming out in harsh breaths.

'Oh sweetheart!'

Castle caught her as she fell into his arms, pressing her close.

'Castle?' Came a muffled voice from against his chest.

'Yes, Kate?'

'Don't ever call me sweetheart in front of the boys.'

He smiled, this was a lot for her.

'So you liked it?'

'Hmmm'

She sounded blissful, happy and relaxed. No place was safer than Castle's arms. How did she only found out about that just now?'

'Where is my Beckett and what have you done to her?'

'Don't make me twist your ear Castle!'

'I won't…. sweetheart.'

'Castle!'

 **T.B.C.**

 **I kind of switched to Castle's pov a few times, since it was hard to stay on Kate's side without showing what Castle felt. I hope this went effortlessly!**

 **Please let me know what you think by reviewing. It will make me update faster, I promise! ;)**

 **Follow and Favorite away as you like as well!**

 **Thanks x E**


	6. Chapter 6

**sixth chapter**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

'Kate?'

'Hmm?'

She sounded sleepy and happy, Castle really didn't want to do this to her.

'I, we have to get up, it is late and you need to get into work early tomorrow.'

'Hmmm.'

'Kate!?'

'I just wanna stay here forever, can we do that?'

Castle laughed for the first time in days, his body shaking with it. He stroked Kate's hair until it fell neatly onto her shoulders, flowing softly down her back.

'Sure Kate, if you wanna do that? I'll call Gates, tell her you can't leave because you are all over me.'

'Not sure that will go in right.'

Beckett slowly came up with a deep sigh, she looked at him with most open and honest eyes, mapping out all the lines on his face. It wasn't as if she had never done that before, but sneaky looks aren't as fulfilling as whatever she was doing right now. Memorizing him.

Her thump was softly stroking his jaw, the other fingers feeling at the soft baby hairs at the back of his neck.

He hadn't shaved today, his slight stubble making her feel all kinds of things.

It must have shown, because Castle was looking at her with a big goofy smile.

'When do we talk?'

Castle blinked once, the woman went from aroused to dead serious in less than a second.

'I - uhm, not now? I mean, we have already talked a lot today, maybe take a break and come back to it tomorrow?'

She nodded, dropping her legs, those long beautiful legs, to the floor, standing up, while stretch her arms in the air above her. A small hint of flawless flesh was visible between the end of her leggings and the beginning of her shirt.

'Eyeballs back in their sockets Castle!'

But she was smiling affectionately and didn't actually seem to mind one bit.

'So uhmm…'

'I should go home.'

'You could stay, drink something, eat something, anything!'

He cringed at the way that came out, wow, talking about desperate!

'We had a lot to deal with today, I think it would be better if we could just process the whole thing tonight, coming back to it tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow?'

He sounded hopeful, unsure. Oh god, Kate wanted to hit her head against the wall. He didn't even trust her with this, what had she done to him?!'

She walked back, leaning over him on the couch, catching the hand that was currently fumbling with the pillow on the couch.

'Castle, I am in this, I am not going to run. This is it for me, I don't want anything else. Yes, it is a lot to deal with, but it was a long time coming, a time I have been looking forward to for a very, very long time, alright?'

He sighed in relief, seemingly more comfortable now that she had spoken about his worries about her running away from this, from him.

'I could offer you the guest room? It's late, and you shouldn't be going out on your own.'

'I will be fine Castle, when I am going to stay here, it is going to be with you, in your room.'

'Really?'

'Really.'

'Small steps, though.'

'Small steps indeed. This means the world to me Castle, I wouldn't want to miss any of the steps. I don't want our stairs towards each other, falling apart in the long run.'

He smiled at her metaphor. She was right though, a solid base would have a lot more chance of making it to the end, of creating their forever. That's what this was right, a forever?'

'Come on big boy, how about you let me out?'

She grabbed both his hands, pulling him off the couch with his help. When she pulled him towards the door, he followed her willingly while staring at their hands, so casually intertwined.

'So I guess a kiss is out of the question?'

He let go over her hand to grab her jacket, holding it out, for her to slip in her arms. He turn her around, zipping her up and reaching for her bag.

'That would be missing a few steps Castle, but how about a hug?'

A boyish smile makes place for his whiny pout, stepping forwards when Kate opened her arms to him. She looked cute like this, with the hint of a blush staining her cheeks, like a little girl.

They swayed for a few seconds, trying to get back their grounding.

Then they stood still, wrapped around each other, their breathing the only thing to be heard in the otherwise silent loft. It was calming, even though Kate was a hundred percent sure that the loud beating of her excited heart could be heard from miles away.

'Will you be in tomorrow?'

'Of course, I wouldn't want to miss one moment in your company.'

'Even on days that I have to do paper work?'

'Especially those days!'

'Why?! You hate paper work, Castle!'

'I don't know, I get bored, I annoy you, you get angry.'

'That doesn't sound very nice?'

'Oh, bur it does! I mean, when you get angry, you get all kinds of hot, it really brightens up those days. I mean, all the inspiration I gebmmh.'

Kate had put her hand on his mouth to stop him from talking. With the amusement very apparent on her face, she shook her head at him, uttering one last line before slipping out, pretty much skipping to the lift, and leaning the back of her head against the wall, with the biggest goofy smile on her face.

'Good bye Castle, see you tomorrow. Don't forget my coffee!'

 **T.B.C.**

 **Please review, favorite and follow and hope to see you again for the next chapter!**

 **It might be more like updating every other day for the time being, maybe even a little less. My schedule is crazy right now, so I should spend some more time on things I actually get paid for, you know?**

 **Thanks x E**


	7. Chapter 7

**Seventh chapter.**

 **Sorry for the long wait. Jobs that pay and stuff.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

Kate didn't feel quite as happy as she thought she should have. Of course she was happy she had had her talk with Castle, but this had been very hard and it would only be the start. There were a lot of airs to clear and a lot of lies to be confessed to.

She sighed, shaking her head as if to shake off her worries.

'You okay Beckett?' Espo looked at her, eyes filled with concern.

'Yeah, thanks, I just, stupid paper work, you know?'

She smiled, feeling lighter than before, she could do this, they both could, if he loved her and she lo- Whoow, stop right there Beckett, quit getting ahead of yourself.

'Are you sure? I don't mean to pry, but you and Castle seemed troubled yesterday.'

'Then don't Espo! And troubled, really?! We are good, really good.'

The sharp tone followed by the soft smile, made Espo's eyebrows race an inch or two.

'Then why is he not here?'

'Oh I'm coming, I'm coming, I was just getting my favorite detective some breakfast.'

Kate swept her head around, her body filling itself with warmth, not sure if that was caused by his physical near being or his loving smile.

'Hi, thanks.'

It sounded breathy, so much for not making Espo anymore suspicious. Thankfully for Kate, Espo was focused on something else entirely.

'Really Castle, me and Ryan not part of the favorite detectives anymore?'

'Oh you are, but you both have people at home looking out for you, this one here needs some extra attention.'

'Oh sure, talk as though I'm not here and some infant not able to take care of herself.'

She fought the urge to close her eyes when Castle rested his big, warm hand on her shoulder, squeezing it softly in an apology.

'I am sure you can take care of yourself, but you deserve to have someone make your day a little brighter.'

God he was such a sap. And she too, she supposed, seeing as she was literally melting from the inside, with her coworker stood beside her desk.

'Thanks Castle, I'll forgive you this time.'

Castle smiled at her, but turned to the board as if to take the attention off the both of them. The board was wiped clean, nothing to see.

'So, what have we got?'

'Nothing actually, we were all doing paper work. Slow morning, nothing happened. Until you came in and brought 'your favorite detective' some lunch, of course.'

His smile was big and fake, hurting as they, Kate supposes, were meant to hurt. She looked from one to the other, happy that Castle kept his calm and didn't seem too different. The breakfast seemed a little much, but it wasn't something he never did for her.

Kate tried to remember all the times he brought her breakfast, lunch or dinner, but since there were so many, the whole thing just became one big mess in her head. God, he was good to her, how did she only just realize this? How did this all go from annoying to sweet and thoughtful?

'Beckett?'

'Sorry.'

She ducked her head to try and hide her blush. This man could get away with things no one else could.

'You wanna have dinner tonight?'

'I, uhm, yeah, yeah, we probably should, shouldn't we?'

'We don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with Kate, but I just want to talk to you, I just want to, you know?'

He seemed shy. Richard Castle. Shy. Oh, this better be good.

'What Castle?'

She felt like fist bumping in the air. She had sounded soft and caring, foregoing her usually harshness.

'I just, I wanna be with you Kate, I feel happy when I am close to you.'

Kate smiled, she couldn't contain the thousand watt smile blooming her face. She felt like she could burst. Her heart physically ached in the best way possible, butterflies racing through her body as though she had just jumped out of a plane, parachute on the back. No air, whatsoever.

'Thanks Castle, that's very sweet.'

'I mean, we don't have to do it tonight of course we can-

'Castle.'

'-also do it some other night, or next week, or with lunch or-'

'Rick.'

'I- yeah?'

'Me too, I feel it too, you know?'

'You do?'

'Yeah, how about 7 at your place? Is anyone home? We can go to mine. I mean, I just don't-'

'You just don't want an audience when we don't know how tonight will turn out, I understand. I - uhm, I think mother is out, but Alexis said something about studying with a friend. So, how about your place? I can bring dinner!'

'Sure Castle, I cannot wait!'

She watched him go a good 10 minutes later after she had talked him into doing some writing at home.

She didn't know what tonight would bring, but she was very sure about one specific thing. She didn't want to screw this up. She cared. She actually wanted all in. You know, the whole thing, with the two feet, no reason to get out because life wouldn't, couldn't be more perfect than with Richard Castle in it and at her side.

So really, when she had just told Castle that she couldn't wait, she didn't only mean tonight, she also meant tomorrow, next week, the next year and all those years after.

She could do it, she could go all in and be like every other normal human being. You know, the ones without holes in their chests and with their moms still alive. She knew she could. She was sure she could. I mean, how hard could it be, right?

Right?

 **T.B.C.**

 **Sorry not sorry. I am not gonna lie, it isn't going to be all rainbows and unicorns from here, they still have a lot to get through. But that's why we love them, right? They are not perfect, they have issues, and the best way to get through those is to talk about them. All of them.**

 **Please review, favorite and follow and hope to see again for the next chapter!**

 **Thanks x E**


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